You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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