I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I wear drunk well.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
