the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
