so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
