update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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