ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize