I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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