Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
