my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
