Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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