Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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