remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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