my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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