Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
