Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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