I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
