i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize