i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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