Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
But break dance skills will only take you so far
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
