When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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