i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
