drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
