I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
