he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
