Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
