You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
