And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize