I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
