I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
