he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
