i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
