Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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