I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
