I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
