I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
And then the night went full on bisexual.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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