i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
