Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
