It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
