I hate your face
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
