meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
