Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
