My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
