Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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