Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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