If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
