Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Randomize
