I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
