i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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