it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
