Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
