Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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