How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Watching her eat just hurts me
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
