he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
