That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
