Please, let me fuck your mom
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
