dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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