My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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