all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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