That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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