You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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