you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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