why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
NoShamevember. You game?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
