What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Randomize
