It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
